So gather round' children, and I shall tell you a tale of Ryan and the angry in-grown butt hair. Also known as fabulous drum corps memory #374,894.

I don't remember exactly when it was, but I would imagine it was somewhere close to the middle of the season, just shy of being close to the beginning. We were having a rehearsal day in the lovely human microwave known as the Glass Bowl at The University of Toledo. It was lunchtime and I was sitting, slightly conversing, with Ebert and Ryan about a whole lot of nothing, as most of our conversations go. Ebert and I couldn't help but notice a disgruntled and miserable, somewhat like a "Oh God, kill me now!" look emanating from Ryan's face. I then proceeded to ask him what was wrong.

"Dude, my ass hurts so bad."

Now, I don't know if those were the exact words but I'm sure they were close. Turns out our friend Ryan had an in-grown hair which had become infected growing right on his sweet spot, that is, he would sit directly on it whenever he would sit down. Not only that, but it hurt like hell when he walked, let alone marched. I couldn't help but remember the events of the year before when Mullet had his horrible case of, I think it was hemorrhoids? Anyways, it was this guy's (Mullet's) ass that hurt. Andy and I felt bad for the Ryan, but we had no idea what to expect. Then Ryan said..

"You should see my underwear."

That idea didn't really entice either of us so we both passed. But then Ebert said those fateful words,

"Can I see it?

I don't know where it came from, but it was an honest question, said with the ut-most sincerity. The only thing I could follow with was,

"Yeah, me too!"

Well, Ryan then proceeded to make sure no one was looking, and seeing as how Ebert and I were two of his closer friends in the corps he obliged. I'm not really sure what either of us were expecting, a little dimple, a little redness or soreness maybe, we've all had a pesky infected hair before right? What we got was something more along the lines of an iceberg on Ryan's ass, which most definitely was responsible for sinking the Titanic.

I don't ever remember laughing harder, ever. I nearly choked on the half-eaten cheeseburger in my mouth before managing to spit it out. We laughed so hard it hurt. I think we covered the entire parking lot trying to catch our breath (while at the same time trying to avoid looking at Ryan which only prevented that further).

It was glorious. Neither of us had ever seen such a splendid creation in our combined existence. It was, it was just, so completely different from anything we had ever experienced. The combination of it, Ryan's hairy ass, and his puss-stained tighty-whities was just too much for us to handle. It damn near killed us. Therefore, we couldn't wait to get a second look when Ryan showed our Brass tech Brad. His reaction was more of utter shock than anything else. Andy and I proceeded to, once again, almost laugh ourselves to death.

This tale and many like it will no doubt go down in Glassmen history. Ahhh, yes children. This truly is what makes Drum Corps completely worth it. I only wish you all could experience what it was to have seen such a magnificant thing. And for those of you who don't know, this is Ryan, just so you have a face to go along with the ass. That's all for now, goodnight.

MUSIC: The Juliana Theory - Trance