The situation I currently find myself in is one which instills in me both optimism, and doubt. At one time I was very happy and I sometimes think that I would give much to be that happy again. Then again, the very real possibility of it all crashing down waits for me right around the corner.

My last two relationships did not end quite as illustriously as I wished they could have, the closest I hope to make better eventually. Now I know that not that a whole lot of break-ups end on calm waters, but there are some. Though the one previous to these remained an open and peaceful relationship, albeit not the kind I wanted.

When relationships end on good terms it's a lot harder to allow the anger, sadness, and betrayal you feel to reach their max, eventhough doing so would allow these emotions to subside faster and allow you to move on. Unfortunately, we are also left with hope. Hope is a cursed thing. You hope in time you you'll be able to move on, you hope that maybe you'll get back together, you hope it never happened and that it it's all a bad dream.

This thing, this...hope, is the driving force behind what I believe will ultimately lead me to exaltation, or despair. The same things that are happening now have happened before. The same emotions I am feeling now, I have felt before. What will I do this time?

A decision must be made. I can no longer stand idly by and wait for things to happen on their own. To quote one of my favorite icons from my childhood (and perhaps ease some of the tension this is all causing), "I have the power!" I'm not going to be the creator of my own emotional hardships.

I'm so tired of waiting...

I think I've made my decision.

I sometimes think back to about six months ago and wish everything could be like it was then. But that would be asking a lot wouldn't it? And (without contradicting myself) I don't feel as though I'm the kind of person who asks for things they can't have.
You live and learn you know? At any rate, you live.

p.s.
I realize this is all a shitty mess, and I apologize. If you are unsure about some things, feel free to ask me about them. I will then tell you that not even I knew what I meant, by anything.

MUSIC: The Mercury Program - Delicate Answer