I think the circumstances for an explanation require me to start this story in May of 2003, so we shall begin there, for that is when Caitlin broke up with me. Now as we all know I didn't take this very well. In fact, it sucked, it sucked a lot. But that's life and we have to learn to live with it. That was the end of our relationship, or so I thought.

As you all know I do this thing during the summer with the Glassmen and it just so happens Caitlin does the same thing with The Cadets. This of course eventually led to our re-uniting after a few weeks with no contact, a re-uniting of the most odd kind. To clarify, a quote from one of the letters I sent home to have published here:

"Whenever I see her it's too much and not enough at the same time. And then there's the damn kissing. What the hell is that all about?!? "Friends" don't do that, not even "good friends" do that.

So, you can see now why I felt more confused and far sadder than the day she initially broke up with me when we both returned home and I found that our relationship during the summer could not continue. I was given the same explanations as before:

"I have so many things that I need to figure out for myself...I just know that I have stuff that I need to understand about me and what I want and what...I don't know.

One of the worst things in the world, that I absolutely hate hearing, is the old saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's always been a cheap way to end something in my book. So what hurt the most isn't the fact it ended, it was the fact that she kept saying that. That simply couldn't be true, and I didn't want to believe it, but I did.

Now, we're back at home, and I'm back to square one. I felt absolutely horrible. After all that had happened during the summer and before I thought I had been given a second chance. Here was my opportunity to fix whatever it was I had done wrong before. (I know you're thinking "But it was me, not you" and I know this, but my emotions often run too high) I felt, betrayed, would be the best way to put it, and I didn't want to hear the same excuses anymore.

Anger took over, as it often does. My situation was hopeless and it seemed like nothing mattered anymore. So when I slept with Sarah (The cause of all of this, which we finally get to. And for the record, she is to be left out of this, she did nothing wrong.) it wasn't to get back at you, or to somehow make you jealous. My mind was telling me that you didn't care, so why should I? I've told you my emotions get the best of me time and time again, I'm sorry. So the hurt that you feel now, I couldn't see that far ahead until the anger I felt was gone. I'm also fully aware that it hurts more becuase we never slept together. I had hoped you would never find out, but if you had asked I wouldn't have lied. You deserve the truth even if it comes four months late.

What I don't understand is how this changes who I am. I'm still the same person you hung out with and laughed with the other night. I'm still Steve. I'd hate to think that I'm now this horrible person in the eyes of you and your friends. And honestly, that wouldn't be fair. I'm not blaming you, I'm not saying it was you who drove me away and forced me to do this. There isn't an explanation for everything, but when we as human beings let our emotions get in the way of that understanding things happen, good and bad. And that, is a damn good explanation for what happened.

If you want me to say I'm sorry then I'm sorry. And if you want me to mean it, then I mean it too. I really can't do anything now but wait for you. That's funny, sometimes I catch myself still waiting and I know I shouldn't be.

2004 was supposed to be better than this.

MUSIC: Dave Matthews Band - Help Myself