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Mine.
A while back I suddenly came to the realization that this is no longer a diary. I mean, it could be a diary, but it's not. A real diary is something personal which, of course, one would expect to keep private. He or she would do so with the hopes of being able to write down whatever is on his or her mind, without needing to censor anything because "someone" might read it. I honestly don't get that impression from every diary I read, and lately, I've been sensing a bit of that from myself too. That's funny, because my general attitude about that usually is: I don't give a fuck.2003-11-24 : 3:56 a.m. Since about January of 2002 I've noticed that my entries were no longer about what I was "feeling" or what was bothering me at the time. At least they were becoming coherent anyways, and not random comments with no names to attach them to (even I have no idea when I go back and read them). When I did show emotion it was usually about Caitlin, and that wasn't ever what anyone would call gossip. It was all boring "Caitlin is so amazing." "I love Caitlin." "Oh I miss Caitlin." All proper and correct statements at the time yes, but I now recognize and admit the arrogance I once had. I also apologize for those of you had to read such dribble, it does get rather old after a while. Anyways... What my "diary" has become is not something for me, or for my enjoyment. Whenever I begin to write I have everyone in mind but myself. "Oh such-and-such will think that's dumb." "What if (insert many a girl's name here) reads this?" "What if my mom reads this?" Wait a second, she does. I also think things like: "Oh they won't find this funny." "I don't think I can get a whole entry out of this." Just what the Hell is a "whole entry" anyway? Whatever the case is I write for your enjoyment, and not necessarily because I want to. The point is this: I put others before myself, which is good most of the time, but this is mine. This is my diary. I'm tired of writing for you. I appreciate all the positive feedback I really do. In fact I love it, which is probably why I continue to write in such a way. It's just that, I don't know, I'm runnin' on empty I guess. I just don't have that much to write about I suppose. You want to know how I feel? Deep-down I'm a real bummer because I miss having a girlfriend. But that's to be expected, from any guy really. I'm lonely, tear. Wow, what a breakthrough. So don't stop giving me feedback, just.....fuck I don't know, figure it out on your own. It's almost, well it is five in the morning. I'm tired, and I've been killing Iraqi's and losing euchre all day (college is rough), give me a break. I hate to be such a downer too, sorry guys. I'm sure you've all seen what pressure to update can produce too. It ain't pretty. So if this is the last update for a while, don't be surprised. When I get more excited about my layout than anything else, you know there's something wrong. I'm going to go to bed now. MUSIC: Armor For Sleep - Being Your Walls
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